My 17-year-old son is reading Mitch Albom’s “Tuesdays with Morrie” for his high-school English class, and so I am, because I like to read what my kids are reading so I can be appropriately horrified.
This has nothing to do with the events of this weekend, other than it’s got me thinking in terms of our culture.
The late, great Morrie Schwartz taught Albon to create his own sub-culture, ignoring the larger one that so often goes against what we intuitively know to be right and moral.
For instance, the culture thinks I should be embarrassed that my husband left me and our four children and married a significantly younger woman, that this somehow diminishes me and says something about my worth, and the worth of older women in general.
When actually, I think, it diminishes him.
The culture thinks I was wrong to fight for our family until the bitter end, that I should have just “let go” and let him run away and find his bliss without pointing out that there are real and significant costs –̶ to me, yes, but also to him, and, most tragically, to our young children.
When actually, I believe, as I write in today’s Boston Globe Magazine, that no matter how far you’ve gone down the wrong road, you should turn back, and ferociously so.
http://www.boston.com/lifestyle/relationships/articles/2010/11/14/the_undivorce_option/
There was a time when I bought into the self-fulfillment pooge that so many therapists ladle out, and so, when my marriage imploded, for a while, divorce seemed like the only option. When your life is a dark sit-com called “Angry Man on the Couch,” and well-meaning therapists are saying you need to follow your heart, and all your heart wants to do is escape from the fear, pain and hurt that enshroud your home, sooner or later you find yourself standing before a judge, numbly agreeing that, no, Your Honor, there is no way this marriage can be saved.
Which is crap.
Because any couple that has managed to stay married for 18 years, and has four children together and the glorious history of such, can, in fact, resolve their differences, given time, if the respective partners are not out blithely chasing their individual bliss. In a family with happy children, the sum is always greater than the parts, and John Stuart Mill was right: The greatest amount of happiness for the greatest number of people, that is the ultimate good.
I wish I could say that I wield so much power at The Boston Globe that I am responsible for the timing of this essay, published the day after Michael promised “ til death do us part” for the third time.
I do not. I wrote this essay, or most of it, anyway, in late August. When the Globe accepted it, I thought it was going to run in December. The timing is a freakish coincidence, though I’ve heard it said that coincidence is just God’s way of remaining anonymous.
And thank you, WTKK listeners – and former listeners – for your kind notes of this past week.
I just found out today that the Grahams split up. I listen to the radio when I’m in my car and just flip through the stations, so I completely missed his life changes. Last week when talking about the Catholic Church he commented how he’s not Catholic. I thought that was weird because I remember him previously saying he was raising his kids Catholic, and that “the warden” was Catholic. I just figured he and his family left the church. Then today he commented about his Jewish wife, so I decided to look it up.
I completely understand your loss, feelings and writing the articles. You were going through grief. I know your feelings are in large part for your kids, and wish you well.
All great comments. I especially like Samantha’s “Be here. Now.” And like Lauren, I lost a great deal of respect for the host but unlike her, I’m no longer listening.
I believe it’s important to focus on what you DO have, rather than what you do not. The grass is always greener on the other side. The good thing is that you were given a gift without even realizing it. I’m also a firm believer in the philosophy that everything happens for a reason.
Best of luck to you and your kids Jennifer.
You say his remarriage diminishes him, yet you so desperately want to be married to him still. So much so that you write about creating a fantasy world in your head about it…
Perhaps I should give you the benefit of the doubt. You said you wrote the article in August. Maybe you are feeling differently about it now and have truly started to move on?
One can only hope so. No one can tell you how to raise your kids, but as someone who knows this situation all too well, I can tell you that your anger and bitterness WILL affect them. It will affect their relationship with their father (and while that is partially perhaps his fault for leaving or what have you, it is not solely on him to cultivate a relationship with your kids), it will affect their entire lives.
I sincerely hope that you find healing somehow in all of this. Good luck.
Thank you! I am in the same boat, but we weren’t together for 18 years (It felt like it, believe me. We have an 11 year old daughter, he is the love of my life, and then got married to someone else on a whim). I don’t agree with all of the negative criticism you’ve received on the Globe website… if it helps you deal, so be it. Don’t be afraid, ashamed or embarrassed. Do whatever you need to do and thank you for being the voice for those of us who aren’t as brave.
I cannot even begin to imagine how horrible this weekend was for you. You sound like a wonderful person and I wish only good things for you. I am a mother of a 2 year old, an avid runner, and a sales person who drives between 750-1000 miles per week for my job. The vast majority of that time is spent listening to WTKK. If I were to tell you that I will no longer be listening, I would be lying. However, I have lost a tremendous amount of respect for the host of the 10am-2pm time slot.
This is sad. In so many ways.
“no matter how far you’ve gone down the wrong road, you should turn back, and ferociously so.” Yes, turn back from the path of thinking your husband will come back to you. Sit with the pain, with the reality that he’s not coming back.
I don’t think you should be embarrassed that he left you. But I don’t think you should keep hoping he’ll return either, or trying to convince yourself he shouldn’t have left.
He’s gone. But you are still here. Be here. Now.
I read your article. While it was humorously well written, I understand what you are saying. I presume it is much harder to be divorced when you have children together. When I divorced, I didn’t have children.
Just prior to our official divorce, I remember my ex saying that maybe we’d get back together in the future. I wanted to say, “What type of fairytale do you live in? You don’t want me now, but…”
But, I have lived long enough to know that you can never say never. But, for now, I will say…never.
I hope you, eventually, can move on with your life, because it seems that he has done so. But, in the mean time, keep that great sense of humor and you’ll be fine!